Auntie Anger: The Suicide Solution

Every time there is a massive earthquake, tsunami, or a war breaks out, there is a certain group of people who believe that the world is ending. These people, who will be heretofore referred to as fanatics, have their counterparts all over the world, but in America they are known commonly by their extreme affiliation with right-wing Christianity.

My message to all the fanatics anxiously awaiting the Apocalypse is this: Why wait? If God is coming anywhere from tomorrow to the next hundred years, shouldn’t you, the fanatic, have first dibs on a space in the Golden City? While I burn in the lake of fire, you and the three or four hundred other “saved” people will be fanned by naked cabana boys as you drink mint juleps out of crystal champagne glasses. Comparatively, this crappy existence on this Earth is quite unpleasant, isn’t it? Here, we have stuff like jobs, car payments, and homosexuality. It’s just too much for the truly holy person to bear.

God will understand if you kill yourself. So go ahead.

The Bible says nothing about suicides going to Hell. As long as you don’t reject Christ or blaspheme, you’re good to go! As I have rejected Jesus Christ as my savior, I guarantee that I will burn in Hell, of course, with all my friends like Lady Gaga and President Obama.

Since you know that God told you that everything you read in a specific Bible is true only because you believe it to be so, we can surmise using the same forms of logic that God has told me to send all born-agains a message that suicide is okay now. You made a leap of faith; so did I. I was standing by the dishwasher the other night and Jesus (he looked just like Justin Bieber) spoke to me from a plate of macaroni I was about to throw away. He said he’s cool with suicide. He’ll still take you to the Golden City.

Go for it.

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